


i've never felt this kind of pain before

by caseycsd



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, TW: Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 15:16:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14547561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caseycsd/pseuds/caseycsd
Summary: Rana is there for Kate after the tragic loss of her brother.





	i've never felt this kind of pain before

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr- chesterbenni  
> just a warning: there are references to suicide in this.

Rana just wanted to make all the pain go away. As she lay in Kate's bed, holding her exhausted but still awake girlfriend, she thought of the pain she must be feeling. And not just Kate. Johnny, Carla, Michelle and Jenny too. She couldn't believe what had happened. They are such a strong, close family and from the stories Kate had told her, they always have been. 

She had never spent too much time with Aidan. He lived with her for awhile but they had never really talked whilst she had been with Kate, but she had been told so many stories about him from when he and Kate were kids. She could always hear the fondness in Kate's voice when she talked about fun things her and Aidan had done as kids. She knew that Kate loved her brother more than anyone. And she knew how hard this was hitting her. She had been crying all day. Rana knew that she blamed herself and she knew that Kate was angry at Aidan, for leaving her and her family. But she also knew that more than anything Kate was confused. She desperately wanted a reason as to why he did what he did. And not having a reason was making her feel guilt and anger. 

Grief was a vicious thing. A horrible circle of events. And it could take months, even years before Kate starts to accept what had happened. Kate blames herself for not noticing the differences in Aidan's behaviour. She should have noticed. She should have helped him. Then maybe, just maybe, things would have been okay. Maybe he wouldn't have taken his own life. Maybe he'd still be here.

Yesterday, when she saw that Kate was calling her, she had smiled slightly, glad to hear from her girlfriend during a busy day of work. But when she answered she heard the pain in Kate's voice. She heard her crying and sobbing and there was nothing she could do about it besides trying to get her to breathe so she didn't have a panic attack. Today had been the first time she had seen her since it had happened. 

Kate had just collapsed into her arms and cried. She had briefly thought back to when Luke had died. But this was different. This was Kate's big brother. They were in public so Rana tried to get her back to her flat as fast as possible. She noticed some people looking at Kate with a mix of pity and just pure sadness on their faces. She had to ring the buzzer because she wasn't sure Kate had her keys on her. Alya's tear stained face greeted them at the door.

"I'm so sorry, Kate." Were the words she had said. Kate managed a small nod in her direction, but didn't say anything. "Um, I'll stay with Zee and gran tonight. I'll ask Craig if he can stay out too. Take care of her." She said the last part just to Rana.

Rana mouthed a thank you in her direction as she left. "Did you get any sleep last night?" She knew Kate had stayed at her dad and Jenny's flat last night.

She shook her head. "We were all up all night." She wiped the still falling tears off her face.

"You go get settled in your room and I'll get you some water." Kate nodded and walked away.

When Rana came in, now holding a glass of water, Kate was looking at a picture frame. It was a picture of her, Aidan and their dad. All smiling, looking happier than ever. She recognized it as it was the one that Kate always had on her bedside table. She sat down beside Kate after placing the water where the picture was before.

"I just don't get it." Kate whispered so low Rana could barely hear her. "How could this happen?"

Rana softly ran her hand up and down Kate's back. "I don't know, sweetheart. I really don't."

"I keep thinking that he's just going to come back. Like nothing has happened. I just want to wake up tomorrow and know that he's okay and alive. I want this all to be some sick nightmare, but it's not. And I know it's not, but I still don't believe it." Kate's voice was shaky as she spoke through the tears. "I keep thinking that he'll walk through the door any second now. Or I'll see him walking to work in the morning. But I won't." 

"I'm so angry, Rana." She looked towards Rana with teary eyes. She looked at the picture again. "I know I shouldn't be. I know it's not right to be so mad at him. But I am." Rana just stayed silent, knowing that Kate needed to get this off her chest.

"I just want my big brother back. I want him to hug me and tell me that it's not real. That there has been a mistake. I need him." Kate was full on sobbing now. Rana pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. "Why'd he leave me? I love him so much, I need him back." Rana tried desperately to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. 

They lay back on the bed, Kate's head on Rana's chest, her arm wrapped around Kate's shaking shoulders. "I'm his little sister. He was always the one to make me feel better and now he's not here to tell me things will be okay. Why did he leave me? He left us all behind without even saying goodbye."

They both lay there together for a few minutes, maybe hours, crying. Kate didn't say anything more, she just silently cried. They both had to get up though when they heard the buzzer to the flat. Kate sat on the couch, still holding the picture frame, whilst Rana answered the door. Kate looked up when she saw Michelle come in. Her face was tear stained and her eyes were red.

"Kate, sweetheart. Come here." Kate collapsed into her older cousins arms and cried. They cried together. Rana knew how close Aidan and Kate were to Michelle and she knew that they were as close as siblings, so the pain Michelle was feeling probably was similar to the grief and pain Kate was feeling. "I was talking to your dad, Kate. He said he's worried about you."

"I kinda just ran out on him. I needed a break." She used her sleeve to wipe her tears away, "How did he seem?"

"Not great. Maybe you should go see him later on? Carla has disappeared to the factory. I'm sure he needs you right now Kate. We all need each other right now. That's the only way we'll get through this."

Kate pulled away from her cousins embrace. "I know." She smiled softly down at the picture still in her hands. "I don't think he'd want us to fall apart when we need each other most."

"He wouldn't, you're right." Michelle smiled at Kate. She had always been like a little sister to her, just like Aidan had always been like her annoying little brother. "I better go check on Carla. You know how she gets when she buries her feelings."

Kate nodded. "Thanks."

"I'll always be here for you Kate. We're family and family sticks together when bad things happen." She leaned down and kissed Kate's forehead. "I'll see you later, yeah?"

Rana just watched the two of them interact from the kitchen. "Take care of her. She needs as many people as possible right now." Rana nodded and smiled at Michelle as she left. 

She went and sat down beside Kate on the couch. "I should probably go see my dad for a little while. Michelle was right. We need to stick together and not fall apart and he needs us. You know, he was the one who found Aidan."

"He was?" Nobody should ever have to see their own child that they brought into the world, dead. It just wasn't right. 

Kate nodded. "He thought Aidan had just slept in and that that was why he was late for work. He had to see Aidan like that." She wiped the tears that were still falling before standing up. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

Rana stood up beside her. "Of course. I'll go get some things while you go to see your dad." Kate nodded and leaned in for a short kiss. 

"Thank you." 

She watched Kate walk towards Victoria Court and turned in the direction of Imran's flat. She hadn't wanted to call him in front of Kate, but she really needed him. She banged on his door until he opened it.

"Rana? Has something happened?" She hadn't realized that tears were falling rapidly down her face. She threw herself into his arms and hugged him. She felt him walking her in the direction of his living room.

"Kate's brother killed himself yesterday," The words sounded so wrong, "I just needed to see you." She almost felt bad, knowing that Kate wouldn't get to hug her brother like this again. She couldn't imagine ever losing Imran, especially not to suicide. 

"Oh Rana," He pulled her to sit beside him on the couch, "are you okay? Is Kate okay?" 

"I'm okay, but Kate, she's broken. She loved Aidan more than anyone could ever imagine. She feels awful." 

"Where is she now?" He asked, rubbing her back comfortingly. 

"She's gone to see her dad. He was the one who found Aidan. Can you imagine? Having to see your own child like that." Rana knew how much Johnny loved his kids. She could hear it when he talked about them at their lunch. He needed them and now one of them is gone. She can't imagine the pain he is in right now.

"I hate seeing Kate so upset. She loves her family more than anything. And she feels so guilty and angry. She cried for ages today. I just want the pain to go away. For all of them."

"All you can do is be there for her. She needs you more than ever. They'll be okay, it'll just take time." 

Rana nodded. Imran was always the voice of reason. She knew he was right. They would be okay. They all still had each other. And Rana was going to be there for Kate no matter what.

At that moment Kate texted Rana.

_When will you be home?_

She texted back, _10 minutes tops x_

"I've gotta go and get some stuff from home." She wiped the tears from her cheeks and stood up. 

"You staying the night with her?" 

"Yeah, she asked. Alya is staying with Zee, so it's an empty flat. She needs me right now and I'm not leaving her."

Imran nodded. He pulled her in for another hug. "I love you, Imran."

"I love you too, sis. Don't ever forget that."

She has never packed a bag quicker than she had in that moment. She wanted to get back to Kate as fast as possible. Just as she was about to walk out her bedroom door, Zee appeared. 

"Where are you going?" She really didn't want to snap at him, but she didn't have time for this. 

"I'm staying with Kate tonight." 

"You promised you'd help me tomorrow." 

"Yeah, well, sorry Zee. I didn't expect for Kate to need me right now as much as she does."

"Why does she need you?" Is he serious? She was seconds away from snapping at him.

"I know you know what's happened Zee. Her brother just died. She needs me."

"Surely she needs her family. Not you." He said with a smug smile. 

Why was he smiling? Does he seriously not understand what's happening?

"I don't think you are in any position to tell me what my girlfriend needs. Her brother just killed himself Zeedan, she needs as many people as possible." She pushed past him and walked down the stairs. 

Yasmeen stopped her before she could leave. "Please let Kate know that we are all thinking of her." Rana nodded and smiled towards her. 

"I will."

When she got to Kate's flat, she saw Kate and Sophie talking outside the door. She wasn't jealous, because what she said to Zee was true, she needed as many people as possible. 

Kate smiled when she saw her come up to her. Sophie looked to see what Kate was smiling about and saw Rana, and she couldn't bring herself to feel anything negative towards her. She cared about Kate and if Rana could make her smile even at a time like this, she knew that she was good for Kate.

"Well, I'll leave you two to it." Sophie said, about to turn and walk away, "If you need anything Kate, just let me know. We're still friends, yeah?" Kate nodded and turned towards Rana as Sophie walked away. She leaned down and pressed a small kiss to her lips. She took her hand and started walking up to the flat.

"How was your dad?" Rana asked, placing her bag down on the chair.

"Not good. I convinced him to try and get some sleep."

"Maybe you should do the same. Get some sleep. You must be tired."

"I am." She held her hand out towards Rana. "Bed?" She took her hand and headed towards the bedroom, grabbing her bag along the way. 

They got ready for bed side by side and settled down together. Kate felt so small, cuddled up against Rana's chest. 

"I know that it'll take a long time to feel better, Kate, but I promise you I'll be there beside you, every step of the way." She kissed Kate's forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too." And she finally fell asleep, not knowing what the morning would bring, but knowing that Rana would be there with her.


End file.
